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T. Lee Burnham, Ph.D. |
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The Human Dimension |
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T. Lee Burnham, Ph.D. |
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The Human Dimension |
Resiliency as a concept has contributed much to ongoing conversations about helping individuals to cope with the difficulties of life. As President of Resiliency In Action, Nan Henderson has been speaking and teaching on the topic for the past 20 years. Her book The Resiliency Workbook (Henderson, 2012) is one example of her contributions. In Resiliency: What We Have Learned, Benard, defines resilience as an innate quality but that our circumstances and experience can enhance or hamper our ability to cope with difficulties. The Mayo Clinic publishes material on resilience training and there is a Resilience Research Centre located in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Another recent contribution to the literature is Don Meichenbaum’s book Roadmap to Resilience. The focus of this book is how individuals can be helped to become more resilient and how increased resiliency contributes to an increase in self-esteem.
Alfred Adler is described as being one of the first theorists to use birth order to investigate the role people adopt in their interactions with others. Although birth order has been extensively researched it might be said that many birth-order studies seem to be confounding and poorly executed. In an effort to clarify and review the research a more comprehensive review of 200 birth-order studies gives us a clearer picture of the impact of birth order on behavioral characteristics and the implications for counselors and parents.
Interesting and insightful work on birth order in the development of both self-esteem and resiliency has been done by Alan Anderson at the University of Minnesota. Influenced by Dr. Anderson’s work I have often taught the link between birth order and self-esteem/resiliency to my students and have received reports back to me that reinforce that these concepts have been helpful to in clinical practice. While it is important to look at how resilience and self-esteem can be enhanced, it is also important to look at how it initially develops.
Over the years I have come to believe that the very beginnings of the development of self-esteem and resiliency are related to the quality of the relationship between the parents or significant adults in a child’s birth environment. Children do not need to be told where they came from – they innately sense it. They have been intimately connected to their mother for months. Many mothers as well as researchers such suggest that somewhere in the first trimester of pregnancy it is possible to sense the personality or temperament of a particular developing infant. My description here, however, is of the process that begins at birth. At birth children gain an ability to observe their environment. An important part of that observation is the ability to observe how their mothers are treated. If their mother is treated as a person of worth and value a child automatically assumes that they are of worth and value as well. I constantly tell fathers that one of the greatest gifts they can give to their children is the way they treat and interact with the child’s mother. Fathers must always treat the mother of their children with great respect and must always treat her, speak to her and act around her in a way that clearly indicates that they see her as a person of great worth, value and an equal in power and authority in governing the affairs of the family.
Research seems to indicate that there are indeed differences between first-born children and other children in the family. I suggest that the first child in a family enjoys the attention of both parents until the appearance of the second child. At this point the first child turns to the father given that the mother is preoccupied with this new entry into the family. If this connection is made between the first child and his/her father the child’s development of a strong and stable self-esteem continues to move in a positive direction. If this emotional bond and connection does not take place an obstacle is created to the development of self-esteem that may cause major difficulties for that child into their adult life. Therefore the self esteem of the oldest child in the family is greatly dependent on the quality of the emotional bond and relationship that does or does not develop between that child and father.
The second child seems to rest comfortably with mother, thus the self-esteem of the second child in the family is more likely to be dependent upon the quality of the emotional bond established with mother. This is also greatly enhanced by the innate acceptance that mother is the creator.
The third child enters a balanced system and as a result becomes “the watcher.” This child seems to focus their attention on observing the quality of the relationship between their parents and actually seems to take some responsibility for the preservation of that relationship. The self-esteem of the third child in the family is greatly dependent upon the quality of the relationship between the parents.
The fourth child in the family might be seen as “the garbage collector.” This child seems to take what remains and is particularly influenced by the quality of the family system as a whole. The self-esteem then of the fourth child in the family is greatly dependent upon the quality of the relationships, and the structure and stability of the family as a whole.
With the fifth child the process seems to start all over again, with a slight addition. The self-esteem of the fifth child in the family is greatly dependent upon the quality of the emotional bond and relationship with the father and/or and the oldest child in the family. This process seems to continue with each additional child in patterns of 4.
Knowing this can be of great benefit to a clinician. If my client is an oldest child and suffering from self-esteem issues it makes sense to at least inquire about the relationship between the client and the father. If this is productive, the clinician has saved some exploration time – if not, nothing has been lost.
Research has also suggested a series of tasks that form an essential part of the process of building self-esteem in children. Completing all of the tasks helps the child gain self-respect. At the same children are trying to understand their bodies and the complexities of language, learn how to use modern technology and comprehend society's rules. Parents need to help their children by providing experiences that help children complete the tasks of selfhood. Parents need to treat each child as a separate independent person. When children are unsuccessful in building self-esteem, they can respond in several different ways:
The path chosen depends upon the temperament of the child, available role models, their prior experiences and the results of trial and error. These defenses are psychological weapons against anxiety, fear, insecurity or inadequacy. They are used to help the child maintain integrity but are rooted in a child’s belief that they are bad, unlovable, and unworthy. This secret feeling forms the core of a neuroses or “scar tissue” around a psychological wound. The child mind seems to be rather perverse. Their sub conscious mind seems to say: “If I were a better child things would be going better for me therefore if things are not going well for me it must be all my fault.” That becomes a very heavy burden to bear and can remain festering in the subconscious mind until exploding unexpectedly some time in the future as an adult.
Tasks to Build Self-Esteem – Children must complete six tasks:
TASK 1: SEPARATENESS: Language is the tool that allows children to feel fully separate. In learning their own name, the child begins to have a symbol for thinking as being apart from others. A child’s name gives a frame on which to hang descriptive labels. At around 15 to 18 months of age, the child begins to understand separateness but this knowledge is hazy. Children do not become fully aware until around 1 1/2 years. This notion of autonomy is the foundation of future self-esteem. Parents need to respect the child's need to say "no" but continue to guide through the behavior they expect. Rather than being constantly confrontational, parents should channel children's defiant acts into acceptable outlets. This can include inventing games that allow both parent and child to collaborate in accomplishing tasks. Positive suggestions are more effective than direct orders. The degree to which the environment meets the child’s needs, the intensity of competition, how parental power is used, the extent of defiance seen how this defiance is handled, as well as the child’s physical health - all play a part in how the child deals with this stage. Experiences that are important at this stage are as follows: toilet training, mealtime, independence and anxiety at being away from the parents. Parents should note that children of this age have a strong fear of abandonment and have a hard time coping with any major changes in the environment or a lack of clear structure.
TASK 2: ACHIEVEMENT AND RECOGNITION: Once a toddlers realizes that they are separate people they will try to overcome their helplessness by mastering themselves and the environment. They need experiences that offset feelings of incompetence. Parents need to help tailor the environment to let children master tasks. Give them tasks they can master and then be sure to validate them with praise, touch or words such as "I'm proud of you." Experiences that encourage success in this age require the parent to provide for example: step stools to reach objects, low-hanging hooks for the child to hang his/her clothes, non-breakable dishes, chairs that fit, and opportunities to help around the house. Potty training and mealtime are areas that can particularly build or tear down self-esteem depending on the way that the parent handles them.
TASK 3: INITIATIVE: Encourage your children to express ideas and thoughts. Let them help plan things or have choices to make: "What would you like to do first, eat lunch or have a story?" Or, "We have the afternoon together what are some things you would like to do?" Suggestions can be validated with "that's a good idea!" A good pre-school experience at this age opens up a world of new ideas and can give the child a chance to show creativity and understanding of new concepts.
TASK 4: ATTACHMENT TO THE OPPOSITE-SEXED PARENT: Somewhere between 3 and 5 years of age, the child may need to explore their relationship to the opposite-sexed parent. Emotional attachment at this age provides each child with his or her first, safe, attempt at establishing relationships. If handled wisely, this attachment acts as an experience upon which the child builds in adolescence. This task begins the exploration of sexual roles. Help your child by not making them feel guilty about their attachment to mother or father. It is important to not accentuate feelings in the child via “seductive behavior.” Specifically, there are certain activities that perhaps should not take place at this point:
Avoiding these behaviors can help a child feel safe with their new emerging sexual feelings and helps to prevent stimulus overload. It allows them to say "My feelings are all right, there is nothing wrong with me." Parents and caregivers need to be aware of and sensitive to innate or developmental differences in the process so that children, peers or significant adults do not see these differences as indicators of a lack or worth or value.
TASK 5: SELF-CENTEREDNESS: Around the age of five and a half in girls and six in boys, an important psychological shift occurs. The center of the child's universe moves from the parents to themselves. The child's need to think of himself or herself first does not mean that parents should constantly relent. It does mean that parents must not make the child feel guilty about this self-absorption. Be emphatic but calm and patient. Be firm but understanding to make the child feel worthy but not manipulated.
TASK 6: PREFERENCE FOR THE SAME SEX: Once attachment to the opposite sex occurs, the child may move to prefer others of the same sex. It may be for example that by age six children begin to explore their comfort or preference with what they see as gender specific pursuits. This stage helps the child establish a sexual role. This preference continues and intensifies until the child’s early teens or middle teens. It is important for parents and caregivers to be sensitive and supportive of this process as it manifests itself in each child’s own and unique manner giving them the freedom to explore.
Conscience and Values
The conscience begins to take shape at around age six even though the sense of right and wrong begins to formulate earlier. The conscience is comprised of the moral standards that a child has absorbed. If a child takes something that does not belong to him/ her, talk privately while understanding that this behavior is part of growing-up. Help the child make restitution without shame or humiliation. Children must not be made to feel less worthy because their conscience is underdeveloped at this point.
Around age six, a child often begins to move away from total dependence on the family and begins to value the qualities of peers. Children can get positive reflections from their peer groups. Children who have traits valued by their same-age mates feel more adequate than those who do not. Children whose interests and values are noticeably out of step with others of their age are likely to feel isolated and as a result to have less worth. Parents and caregivers need to be sensitive to that possibility and help a child to see differences as differences and not as indicators of worth. Increasingly from six years old into adolescence, each child will seek social support from others whose values match their own.
During the middle years from age 6 to 12, children have a primary task of defining themselves from reflections that they receive from outside the family. Being accepted by peers, mastering physical and social skills and looking like the group can become very important. As children refine their separateness parents will receive messages that say to “keep out” or that something is “private” and will notice their children keeping secrets. Children may also have a tendency to develop a special collection of some kind. They will choose friends and develop crushes on others. During this developmental period it is important for children to have an adult role model and to be cherished independently from their performance. The development of the conscience continues in this period.
During Adolescence the teen’s primary task consists of reevaluating themselves and reworking their identity. For high self-esteem the adolescent must reevaluate himself or herself in four major areas:
Parents can help to facilitate this process by respecting their teenager's privacy. Make your home comfortable. Teens are sensitive to their friend's feelings about their home and parents even though they may not always look their best. Their friends need to feel comfortable in the teen’s home. Parents should keep supervision subtle and support constructive group activities.
Parents should avoid making teenagers feel guilty about their growth tasks, especially their need to move away from parents. Parents should avoid sarcasm and teasing about teenagers’ changing body, feelings or their romantic engagements. Parents should maintain a sense of humor, and an openness to talk about anything. They should discuss with teenagers the changes and pressures they may be facing. Parents should discuss with younger siblings the teenagers’ changing needs and changing status within the family. They should listen to the teenagers’ feelings and points of view.
Parents should establish basic family policies and expectations via democratic procedures. They should work with the teenagers’ need for competence and recognition. Parents should provide a safe climate in the home where teenagers may share and try out new behaviors. Furthermore, they should provide feedback on these behaviors without a character assassination.
There is a way to describe the impact of self-esteem on behavior. First, imagine a list of all the tasks that a person might attempt to accomplish listed in order of difficulty from “Impossible” down to “easy.” This ranking must be determined by the perception of that particular individual. Second, rate their ability level from “High” to “Low.” Third, evaluate their fear of failure from “High” to” Low.” A high fear of failure is the opposite of high self-esteem.
Let us assume that the person we are trying to describe has an average ability level and a relatively high fear of failure. In this case you can expect that this individual will not choose tasks close to his/her ability level. Usually this individual would choose to attempt the easy tasks. They would then accomplish the easy tasks and receive absolutely no psychological benefit from the experience. After a time this person will grow tired of only accomplishing easy tasks and will attempt to do something impossible. When they fail to accomplish an impossible task they will say to themselves and others: "See, I knew I would fail." As a result of this pattern of behavior, the person’s ability level will actually begin to decline and the fear of failure will grow. As the fear of failure grows and the ability level declines this immobilizes the person, and in this case, they can do nothing except try to find a way to escape.
The way a person can be helped to escape from this negative pattern is to set goals to accomplish tasks that are within the ability range but are still somewhat challenging. These goals must be in writing and must possess the following characteristics:
For example: John Jones will learn to play Chopin's prelude in A #3 by June 4. Success will be achieved if he does the following:
In this way John Jones knows what he is attempting to accomplish and when it has been completed. He cannot disregard or deny his accomplishment.
This same process can be encouraged with any task by asking three simple questions:
Enough evidence has accumulated that suggests that if a child has high self-esteem, he/she will be successful. The decisive factor lies in a person's attitude toward themselves; furthermore their degree of self esteem determines the degree to which an individual is resilient. This needs to be supported by continued experience of success. Self-esteem is defined by how a person feels about themselves, how much they like their particular personality. It is a quiet response to the self, a sense of self-respect. When a person has deeply entrenched self-respect, they are glad they are themselves, and, in turn are resilient. With self-esteem a person does not need to impress others as they already know that they have value. Children’s judgment of self influences the kinds of friends they choose, how they interact with others, the kind of person they marry and how productive they will be. It affects their creativity, integrity, and stability and whether they will be a leader or a follower. Self-esteem forms the core of personality and determines what the individual will make of their aptitudes and abilities. Parents must help their children to a firm and wholehearted belief in themselves. Strong self-respect and self-esteem are based on the conviction that a child is lovable, that they matter and that they have value simply because they exist. If they feel they are worthwhile, they can handle their environment with competence and they know they have something to offer others. For a child to feel loved is an important beginning. There can be a big difference between being loved and feeling loved. Self-esteem is maintained by the quality of the relationships that exist between children and those who play a significant role in their life and their experiences. My clinical experience indicates that the good intentions of parents have a greater chance of becoming reality when they help their children to be quietly glad that they are who they are.
Through working with trauma victims I have learned to ask a very simple question at the start of my work with them: “How safe, secure and valued did you feel as a child?” If there is an immediate, positive reply, then I know that my work with them will not be as difficult as it might be. If their response is negative, it may be that I will not be able to significantly help them with the most current trauma until the impact of the earlier trauma in their life is resolved. Unresolved childhood trauma and a lack of feelings of being safe secure and valued inhibits the development of both self-esteem and resiliency. This impact needs to be addressed and resolved. Of course, this also includes unresolved birth order issues.
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