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T. Lee Burnham, Ph.D. |
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The Human Dimension |
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T. Lee Burnham, Ph.D. |
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The Human Dimension |
Amid the hullabaloo about deficiencies within public schools is one frequently overlooked factor: Teachers can only work with what we send them. The probing question must be posed: Are parents making the grade?
In recent years unrest over the public school system has exploded. Various national studies have exposed gaping holes in the way America educates its children. But in the process some very fundamental issues have been overlooked, perhaps the most significant of which is this: Teachers, despite their level of proficiency, can only work with what we send them. And many if not all of the attitudes and attributes a child brings to the classroom are nurtured somewhere else first--in the home. In other words, we're getting the cart before the horse.
Before a school ever opens its doors, two major factors have already influenced what will happen to a child in the classroom: first, the ability and experience of the teacher; and second, the learning skills and attitudes students bring from home. In the main, despite all the hubbub over improving the schools, these two vital factors continue to be overlooked and unimproved.
We do have problems in fielding enough well prepared teachers but perhaps a more important question is how much impact parents have on their children's success in school. The answer is simple: it's immeasurable. Children learn, or fail to learn, essential skills and attitudes about learning, school, and teachers during their first five years. With powerful influences from television and other outside forces, parents must be keenly aware of developing a constructive influence in the home. Many parenting styles that were effective fifteen years ago no longer work, and too often parents tend to follow the path of least resistance, never realizing their children are not learning skills they need in order to assure success in school.
What are these skills?
FIRST: Reading -- not only the ability to read but an enjoyment of reading. Children will not love to read unless a conducive atmosphere exists in the home. Are there books in your home? Do you read to your children? do your children see you read? Do you ever discuss openly what your children are reading? Is there an open forum for reporting on books of interest? Are children given books at an early age and encouraged to look through them?
Isn't it unrealistic, even unfair, to expect your child to take a sudden liking to books and reading in school if no groundwork has been laid?
SECOND, the school-related experiences you share with your children are critical. From an early age you "program" your children, in a sense, as to what they can expect in school. do they look forward to school, or dread it? What have they heard you say about teachers, the principal, homework, study, etc.? Do you openly pay respect to teachers and administrators. It is almost impossible for a child to learn from someone he's heard his parents criticize.
THIRD, children need opportunities to express themselves. Thinking great thoughts in a quiet corner, without interaction with others, can eventually lead to insanity. Your child's interaction with you is critical to healthy emotional and mental development.
I know of a child who was labeled by teachers and counselors as having a severe learning disability, possibly even organic brain damage. A complete evaluation, however, revealed no neurological problem, though the child had trouble thinking on his own and communicating. Further investigation revealed that this youngster lived in an environment where he seldom, if ever, was given the opportunity to talk. His parents did little talking, and less listening. The communication pattern in the home involved brief commands: "Don't do that!" "Not now!" "Go away!" The child had not learned how to talk, think, or express himself. Granted, this is an extreme case; it does, however, illustrate the fact that children need to be talked and listened to.
When a child hears only short sentences and commands at home, it is difficult for him to listen to a teacher who speaks in paragraphs. The teacher may wonder why instructions are never understood; in truth, they aren't being heard.
A group of parents was assigned to tape record their interactions with their children. On one tape a five-year-old said, "Guess what, mommy, I learned today that all butterflies come from green frogs." The mother later reported that she was just about to respond, "What a silly thing to say!" when she remembered that the tape recorder was going. Instead she kneeled down on the floor and said, "That's interesting, tell me more about that." The girl answered, "I was only teasing, mommy."
At that point the child began a lengthy dialogue about several items that were on her mind. She would not have shared those important thoughts and feelings with her mother if she had felt mother wasn't listening. Children often test parents that way. Observe your teenagers. They will say something that's out in left field to see if you are going to overreact, evaluate or respond sarcastically.
Children need to learn to think. They won't learn to think unless they have opportunities to express themselves. And typically they won't express themselves if the adults around them aren't listening. There are two basic guidelines to make sure you are listening; first, get eye to eye with the child; don't hover over him. Second, make a statement or ask a question that indicates your readiness to listen.
The amount of time teenagers listen to their parents is in direct proportion to the time they feel their parents listen to them, at a ratio of 1000 to 1. If you want your teenagers to listen to you, do a lot of listening to them as they grow up.
I asked a group of students to think about the communication patterns and rules in their homes. One of the most common rules that surfaced was, "No one in this family has a right to express a thought or feeling without being made fun of, criticized or evaluated." Often father or mother were exempt from this rule, but seldom were both exempt and less frequently were any of the children exempt. Such an environment teaches children to keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves, or to say only what is expected. In both instances, a child's ability to learn is severely hampered.
FOURTH, families need a rule system, a framework of expectations and consequences that are clear and adhered to. Too often dad has a set of rules, and mother has her own set. Without realizing it, they end up sabotaging each other's rules. The children are caught in the middle, waiting for the dust to settle. In the meantime they absorb one important rule: don't worry about rules, because the parents aren't serious about them anyway.
A rule is worthless if both parents are not willing to enforce it. It is better not to have the rule. A rule that isn't followed consistently sets a child up for failure at school.
In establishing rules in the home you should carefully consider the consequences and rewards you will use. Consequences should be as closely related to the offense as possible, and not too overwhelming. If you ground a child for a month, you've lost your ability to have much influence on that child for that period of time.
Rewards also have a place, though you don't want to have to continually use rewards to maintain good behavior. Rewards and consequences can be used to help get a new behavior started or an undesirable behavior stopped. Eventually you want good behavior to become its own reward.
I knew a teenager who wanted to become a great musician. His mother complained that she couldn't get him to practice regularly. He insisted that his mother's constant nagging annoyed him. I suggested that the parents needed to allow their son to be responsible for his own practice time, but both agreed that only constant pressure would keep him practicing. I asked the boy how serious he was about his music. He was very serious but admitted to not getting in the practice time that he needed. When his parents nagged him, he often stopped practicing just to spite them.
After some discussion we drew up a contract. He has saved some money and agreed to put the money in a savings account with his and my name on it. The contract specified that any day he did not practice, I could withdraw $50.00. Any time his parents even mentioned practice, they had to deposit $50.00. After several months of successful practicing with no deposits or withdrawals, we decided the contract was no longer needed and the young man could put his money back into his own account.
FIFTH, examine the expectations you have of your children. Is your child growing up in a family where productivity is the only measure of worth? Does your child feel confident about your love for him or her? or does the only positive reinforcement they receive come after completion of a task?
In today's society much emphasis is placed on productivity as an indicator of a person's worth. Accordingly, many of our expectations and methods of discipline concentrate on that focus. The child, however, is a developing human being whose personality and traits (self-discipline, kindness, sensitivity, etc.) deserve at least as much attention as does the fact that he scrubbed the carrots or got good grades.
SIXTH, as parents, stay in control of your emotions. If you are so angry at a child that you can;'t deal with a given situation rationally, excuse yourself until you calm down. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying it's wrong to feel anger. What is wrong is to let anger control your behavior. Teach your children that any consequences they may have coming to them are a result of their own behavior and not a result of their parent's anger.
One day Brad and his sister Sally were having an altercation. Both children came running to mother and Sally blurted, "Brad hit me." Brad defended himself with, "Sally broke my favorite truck." Their mother answered. " I understand you are angry, Brad, but it is wrong to hit your sister. It was also wrong of Sally to break your trunk. Let's talk about it." The mother made it clear that Brad's feelings of anger were okay, but his behavior was unacceptable.
SEVENTH, teach your child to complete tasks. This skill needs to be learned at home. It is difficult if not impossible for a child to acquire this attribute at school. Family rules and traditions help establish and reinforce this habit. For example, if a family has the rule that everyone helps to clean the table and clean up after dinner, the notion begins to sink in that there are certain things to do before one runs off to have fun. Many family traditions can teach that certain responsibilities come before personal wants.
I knew a two-year-old boy named Jonathan who was fascinated with the mechanism that operated the living room drapes. His parents named him the family drape opener. It was his job to open the drapes in the morning, and close them at night. At an early age he realized that he had responsibilities in the family.
Later Jonathan was assigned to order dairy products from the milkman. If Jonathan did not accomplish his task, the whole family suffered. He learned that his behavior affected others.
A daily work chart can help reinforce this notion. As part of the bedtime ritual, a parent can ask if the tasks on the chart have been accomplished. If they have been the child could choose a colored sticker to put on the chart. As new assignments are given a new chart can be made. This approach reinforces the concept of regular reporting and valuation of performance.
For older children another approach is effective. After any assignment is completed, ask your child three questions: What did you like most about the job you did? What did you like least? What would you do differently next time? Note the child's comments, and next week make positive comments about efforts to do a better job. If you establish this kind of routine early, and abide by the rule that you will not say anything negative to a child until you have commended them on at least three positive things, you'll find that they will develop a sense of responsibility and self-evaluation.
EIGHTH, be consistent with your children. A major problem I see in many teenagers is their notion that their behavior has no consequences for anyone but themselves. Due to parental inconsistency the connection between their behavior and consequences is a weak one.
A parent shared an example of an interaction with a child which is a classic example of how to teach children how to ignore adults. The mother and several of her friends were talking in the living room. At one point she noticed her son playing with the TV and she said "Please don't touch the TV David." After further conversation she said "David, now don't play with the TV." Several minutes later she said, "David, I don't want to tell you again not to play with TV -- Leave it alone." Still later she said, "David, I am telling you for the last time to leave the TV alone." With each statement, the mother's tone of voice became more frustrated. Even later she said "David, you are really going to be in trouble if you don't stop doing that." More time passed and some damage was done to the TV knob leading to mother saying, "Oh! David! Look what you have done!"
David, in this interchange, learned two significant principles: Don't listen to mother, she doesn't mean what she says; and do whatever you want because there are no consequences.
A friend once told me about a city that had a mystery speed limit on all the streets. Every morning the police chief called the mayor to find out what the speed limit should be. If the city was doing well financially, there was no limit. If the city was in trouble, the limit was low. Residents became paranoid about driving because they never knew what they could or could not get away with.
The same thing happens to children. They find out that if their parents are feeling good, they can get away with almost anything. If their parents are having a rough day, watch out. Lack of consistency makes life difficult for children. Don't mix up your signals to them. I know of a couple who, according to all the theories, are doing everything wrong. But they are doing everything in such a clear and consistent manner, and the two of the are so united, that their children do well. They are secure and happy. The message? Be Consistent!
NINTH, teach your child to be responsible. Make it clear that, though mother and dad may appear to be responsible for everything, that is only the case until the children are old enough to share responsibility. The family member who is responsible for the family wash, for instance, shouldn't be responsible for gathering the dirty laundry around the house. Even a three-year-old child is old enough to understand and be held accountable for putting dirty clothes in a designated place.
If a child comes to you and says. "I don't have any clean clothes to wear to school" you should say "I am sorry about that, but it is not my problem. You knew where to put your clothes if you wanted them washed. You chose not to put them there, so you have chosen to have dirty clothes." On of the greatest gifts you can give your child is teaching them to take responsibility for their actions and their choices.
TENTH, be conscientious about helping your children to develop a healthy self-esteem. A child's self-esteem is directly related to how well he or she does in school. By and large, self-esteem is a gift children receive from their parents and is based on the emotional climate in the home. This is an area that should not be left to chance.
A positive emotional climate begins with the quality of relationship between parents. That does not mean the relationship will be free of disagreements. How parents feel about each other and how they express that feeling is essential. Children are great observers, but often poor interpreters. They may interpret certain behaviors as meaning that mother and dad don't like each other, when just the opposite is true. How do family members talk to each other? Do you call attention to your children's achievements and good behavior rather than singling out only mistakes? Do your children know you love them, for no particular reason, but just because?
Self-esteem is closely related to whether or not children feel accepted by their father. Mothers are usually better at communicating love and acceptance than fathers. Yet, there is evidence that children who feel loved by their fathers are less likely to become involved with drugs or alcohol. And too often fathers are not physically present or do not contribute much to their children's development.
Contrary to popular mythology the ability to learn increases with age rather than diminishes. Only death or senility can put a stop to that increase. Research and observation, however, tell us that a large number of individuals over the age of twenty seem to have stopped learning. There would seem then to be a large number of dead, senile, people wandering around out there. We have done a very good job of teaching people that the only way to learn is in a classroom and we have taught that even in a classroom you only learn if you have to. To get a grade. To get a diploma. To get a job. To keep your parents happy. How ever did we create such a situation?
In the past few years parents have been asking just that. A great deal of criticism has been leveled at our system of education, where test scores generally seem to indicate a steady decline in student performance. Many comments and suggestions have been made and a few remedies have been tried, with little impact.
Teacher education programs make little if any real significant impact on how teachers actually function in the classroom. A report by the American Association of Colleges for Teacher Education speaks of "smugness where there should be concern" and complains that the "moderate and the mild control the destiny of education. They desire change but the change is only some modest tinkering." What seems clearly evident is that there are major problems in our teacher training programs and that these problems have left a large number of teachers either weak in or totally lacking in significant basic teaching skills.
Our first major problem then, is that we have failed to adequately prepare individuals to be effective teachers. Many teachers are effective in the classroom, because of the kind of person they are, their own ability to learn how to teach, and the kinds of teaching examples they have observed in their own school experience, NOT because of the training they had in formal teacher education programs. Other teachers should never have become teachers. Their personality style, their motives and approach to students make it extremely difficult if not impossible for them to become effective. Most teachers could be effective if they were to receive proper and adequate training, preparation and support. Many teachers become frustrated to the point of anger and either move away from the field of education or continue to struggle taking many of their students with them as they sink into the mire of self-doubt, apathy and failure. If we are going to begin to solve the problems in our schools, we must greatly overhaul teacher education programs.
Our second major problem has to do with the attitudes and skills that students bring to school from home. Some recent writers have been quite forceful in their contention that our present educational problems are entirely within the public school system and that this or that approach or spending this or that amount of money will solve these problems. This approach tends to focus the attention of committees and legislatures on quick fix remedies that address neither teacher selection and training nor home-inspired student attitudes and skills. Thus these two vital areas continue overlooked and unimproved.
In spite of problems that might exist with poorly trained teachers and insensitive rigid administrators, a large number of students still manage to succeed. In attempting to understand this anomaly I found that I could identify three groups of students in most schools. One group comes from homes and families that are so supportive of the learning process and so good at teaching basic learning skills that these students are going to learn and do well no matter what kind of learning environment they encounter. A second group comes from homes and families that are so negative, or hurtful that there is absolutely nothing the best trained teacher or most effective school system can do to help them except perhaps to avoid doing further damage. The third and perhaps largest group comes from homes and families that are just there. They exist but do not have much of a major impact on how well their children do in school. This group has a chance to do well if the teachers in their early grades have personalities that they can relate to and if the relationships they build with other students are satisfying. When these two "ifs" occur the student has a chance to gain a positive attitude toward school that may last as long as teacher and peer influence remain positive.
Some children seem to refuse to respond to their environment. Even if their family apparently provides them with every opportunity and skill, they may choose to ignore all of that and fail at everything, including school Others seem to manage to succeed and to achieve in spite of all the roadblocks that have been placed in their way. Most children, however, respond to the type of environment that they are placed in and act accordingly.
Several years ago a research project was carried out with three hundred children who had been identified by their teachers as behavior problems. One-third of these students were placed in a special program where they received counseling, tutoring and special individualized help. Another third experienced the same type of program plus a lot of special attention and training was given to the parents and the teachers. The last group of students was completely left alone; all of the counseling and attention was focused on the parents and the teachers. Only students in the last group showed evidence of significant improvement. Does that tell us something about how to impact students? Improve the environment and you can see progress in the student!
Unfortunately many children do not experience a great deal of human interaction. They spend more time watching TV than they do talking to someone. As a result many children are in the habit of being entertained and they take the approach that as long as learning is dazzling and entertaining, stick with it: as soon as it becomes the least bit difficult or ceases to entertain, forget it. Ask teachers how much of this they see in the classroom.
Children learn or fail to learn essential skills and attitudes about learning, about school, and about teachers during the first five years of their lives. With the powerful influences from TV and other outside forces, parents must be more aware of what they can do to develop a positive, constructive influence in the home: otherwise they invite failure. Because many parents lack this awareness, many children do not learn the skills they need and may even learn attitudes and skills that make success in school difficult, if not impossible. Most parents seem to be willing but simply lack awareness that action is needed as well as knowledge of how to act.
Parents then, can significantly affect the success of their children by paying attention to the following:
The answers to the following questions are also significant predictors of the type of influence that children have at home that will or will not help them succeed in school:
Remember that that reading is a key element in school success. This does not happen unless parents provide an atmosphere for it to happen. Are books and reading an important part of the parents' weekly activities? If parents are reading and they read to their children at an early age, there should also be discussion as a family about what is being read. Provide time for members of the family to share what they have been reading and what they have been learning from other sources. Some families make dinner time an important family discussion time. This can only happen if parents are learning something worth talking about. In some cases parents can only repeatedly talk about the things they have talked about many times before and children soon learn to quit listening. They get tired, and I can't blame them.
The types of school experiences that parents share with their children is VERY important. From a very early age, children can be taught to expect negative experiences in school because of what they have heard from their parents. There is much research which says that a majority of people have had many negative experiences in school. It is also true, however, that we tend to remember and talk about our negative experiences and either forget about or fail to mention positive ones. Parents perhaps need to remember the admonition, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Children need to have the expectation that while all is not perfect in school there are a lot of teachers and administrators who are sincerely interested in helping them learn and grow. If they do meet school personnel who really are unkind or even incompetent you can deal with that situation as it occurs. But please, do not set your children up to expect the worst. Even in a "perfect" school, children will see only the negative if they are taught by their parents to expect it.
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